We're Back, Bitches

We're Back, Bitches is the first installment of Hospital and the ninth episode overall.

Episode
1995.

''There is a party going on at the Alexandria Hospital. Everyone's jamming off to Waterfalls, specially doctors Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Dottie McStuffins, who are also making out at the hospital closet.''

DR. DOTTIE: Hmm, omg I love having regret sex with you

DR. HEINZ: lol same

DR. DOTTIE: ok lets get back to the party tho, i need more alcohol if im gonna even consider having you suck my pussy juices

The two step out of the closet and watch as every staff member has been murdered.

DR. DOTTIE: the FUCK

DR. HEINZ: what the actual fuck AAAAA

Suddenly a killer appears behind Dr. Heinz and slits his throat with a machete.

DR. DOTTIE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SOMEONE HELP ME THIS FUCKERS GONNA KILL ME

Dr. Dottie runs away as fast as she can but she ends up tripping on a stuffed toy and the killer stabs the toy.

DR. DOTTIE: please... im too good to die...

The killer raises his machete and...

sCREAM PRINCESSES

play the go go go intro that was supposed to happen but fucking plotagon

Twenty-two years later...

Ella and Elsa finally arrive to Merida's house in Alexandria Town: The Town With The Silly Broke Hoes.

MERIDA: omg guys im so happy we're roommates now

ELLA: yAs alexandria town here we come!

ELSA: a new beginnign yAS

After their early graduation, Ella and Elsa decided to apply for jobs at Alexandria Hospital, a famous clinic for not only their success, but their dirty rumored past.

MERIDA: So you think we actually have a shot there?

ELLA: Well I have taken various human anatomy classes and yeah!

MERIDA: lol ok, what about you elsa?

ELSA: Look I just... I wanna start fresh, ya know? What happened at the sorority... It just kind of messed with me and I feel like this is a chance for me to start off new.

MERIDA: so when's the job interview

ELSA: Um, in a hour.

MERIDA: the fuck, you're going dressed like that? sis it's a prestigious hospital not the fucking café

ELLA: Well, we were hoping we wouldn't go alone

MERIDA: OH NO, im not working in no hospital lady, im a fucking eurovision winner, why do you think im going to work in a hospital

ELLA: lol didnt every single one of your singles flopped ever since you won eurovision

MERIDA: STILL, im nOT working in a hospital

ELSA: ok but what if you meet really hot nurses that you can fuck around with

MERIDA: aleXANDRIA HOSPITAL YASSSSSSS HERE WE GO

At Alexandria Hospital...

Rose Red, one of the hospital's most amazing doctors, arrives to the hospital with her basic Starbucks latte.

ESMERALDA: Hi, Rose!

Esmeralda was the new receptionist, and by new it means she had only started working there in a week.

ROSE RED: esmeralda, i know you're new here and everything but here's a thought: maybe my day wouldve gotten a lot better if i didnt notice that you still existed.

ESMERALDA: um lol ok

Diablo, Maleficent's assistant, quickly greets her.

DIABLO: omg hey bitch

ROSE RED: yes hail the queen

DIABLO: no

ROSE RED: so what's the scoop around here

''Suddenly Aladdin walks past them, leaving Rose Red all hot and bothered. Aladdin was the new surgeon at the hospital, and by new he started to work there in three months. And ever since he started to work there, thirsty ass Rose always checked him out.''

ROSE RED: ugH I want those fucking third world country 9 inch cock all up in my--

DIABLO: ok sweetie when was the last time you had sex

ROSE RED: lol, at least my last boyfriend wasnt A) japanese and B) cheated on me with a fat cunt from portugal

DIABLO: Too soon, too soon...

Meanwhile, Aladdin and another doctor there, Honey Lemon, greet their new patient, Sheila Dumbo, and take her to a room and examine her condition.

ALADDIN: So, Miss Dumbo, you have an ear tumor... Might we take a look at your ears?

SHEILA DUMBO: the fuck NO, im not going through the shame of showing off my big ears. why do you think i wear these bangs?

HONEY LEMON: I was actually wondering that, bangs are so 2009

SHEILA DUMBO: Look, I'll pay you cunts whatever you want, as long as you get this thing off of my ear... My family has disowned me because of this, I now have to travel here by a fucking taxi. wHAT THE HELL IS A TAXI? i thought it died after uber came out

HONEY LEMON: sAME

ALADDIN: ok so what you're asking for is a surgery?

SHEILA DUMBO: Well duh! You gotta get this fixed!

???: do not fear sheila... we're here to help!

This person turns out to be Maleficent, the HBIC of the hospital.

MALEFICENT: Hi, I'm Dr. Mal Eficient, but I go by Maleficent. And welcome to Alexandria Hospital.

HONEY LEMON: screams in spanish

MALEFICENT: I just wanted to formally introduce myself--

Suddenly Diablo storms in.

DIABLO: Um, Maleficent? Three girls are here for their job interviews

MALEFICENT: UGH k

In Maleficent's office...

MALEFICENT: So, what is your name?

ELLA: I'm Ella, this is Elsa and she is Merida

MERIDA: You may reckognize me from my Eurovision hit single "Mi Madre Es A Byear" which won that year or my self-published album "Scotland Sex Yes Good Good Time".

MALEFICENT: ...I don't think I've listened to it.

MERIDA: Well if you want I could--

MALEFICENT: Let's not.

MALEFICENT: So why do you think you are qualified to the job?

Everyone starts thinking.

ELLA: I mean, I've had Human Anatomy classes...

Everyone starts thinking again.

MALEFICENT: honestly, it's enough. you can leave.

ELSA: whaT NO WAIT

MALEFICENT: l-e-a-v-e. you'll get a call... or not.

''They all leave with a downer look on their faces. Diablo and Rose look at them and start making fun of them.''

DIABLO: LMFAO IS THAT MERIDA FROM EUROVISION SCREAMS

ROSE RED: IM DONE SHE FLOPPED SO HARD

MERIDA: bitch what did you just say about me

ROSE RED: omg look it speaks

MERIDA: oh you wont be speaking once i fucking snatch your weave and strangle you with it

ROSE RED: sure jan

''Merida starts beating up Rose Red. Ella and Diablo quickly break them apart.''

ROSE RED: OH YOU ARE DONE BITCH, I WILL END YOU

MERIDA: COME HERE YOU LITTLE WHORE, I TURNED MY MOM INTO A BEAR I CAN TURN YOU INTO SOMETHING MUCH WORSE

ELSA: Merida... it's... it's just not worth it.

Elsa, Ella and Merida leave the hospital.

At Merida's house...

Elsa is in her bedroom, binge-eating chips while watching Plotagon's Next Top Model.

--PNTM--

JESSICA: GABRIELLE I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU AND THEN YOU COME IN HERE AND PULL OFF THE FUCKING YOGA POSE LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS

GABRIELLE: lol ok

JESSICA: BE QUIET GABRIELLE

GABRIELLE: fine

JESSICA: GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP IT

GABRIELLE: ...im not even tal--

JESSICA: BE QUIET!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A RAT LIKE THIS

Suddenly Chris the custom character's ghost comes into the panel.

CHRIS THE CUSTOM CHARACTER: havent you tho?

--OFF PNTM--

Ella comes into Elsa's bedroom.

ELLA: Hey... are you OK?

ELSA: ...no.

Ella turns off the TV and turns the lights on, laying on the bed next to Elsa.

ELSA: the fuck TURN IT BACK ON JESSICA WAS MURDERING GABRIELLE

ELLA: Talk to me, Elsa... Tell me what's on your mind?

ELSA: I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THE FACT THAT WE'RE STUCK IN THIS BULLSHIT?

Elsa starts crying.

ELSA: You wanna know why I joined the sorority? Cause up until that point, I was lonely. My life was a huge mess. After the death of my parents and... Anna--

ELLA: Who's Anna?

ELSA: No one important, anyways, the point is: I thought the only point I could escape this was by joining a sorority... I hated Snow and everything, but she gave me a home. Even if she was horrible, she accepted me when no one else did. But then... the murders happened and... Now I'm here. I thought the hospital was the only place left but apparently I'm just stuck here. I thought I'd amount to something but... I guess I should just stop trying, huh...

ELLA: Elsa... It's going to be OK. Yes, we flopped the job interview thing hard but... doesn't mean you won't amount to something! Cause look at you! I admit when I first met you, I thought you were an annoying dumb airhead, but spending that time with you after what happened at the sorority, it really made me appreciate you and how much you changed.

They both hug and continue to watch PNTM, when Merida comes in with popcorn.

MERIDA: I sensed tension and came as soon as I came

Ella and Elsa laugh and Merida joins them as they binge PNTM Cycle One until they fall asleep.

In Maleficent's office...

Maleficent is chatting with Ursula.

URSULA: So what the fuck was that freakshow earlier?

MALEFICENT: Honestly, I don't know

URSULA: i cant, they walked in like Alice Is The New Black rejects lmfaooo

URSULA: Welp, I gtg... See ya tomorrow slut

Ursula leaves and Diablo enters the office.

MALEFICENT: Diablo, I thought you went home

DIABLO: I was gonna go home but...

Diablo pulls off a letter.

DIABLO: it sent another one.

MALEFICENT: ugh, can't the fucker just fuck off already?

Maleficent grabs the letter and reads it:

"Hire the sluts from earlier

or everyone will know

-XOXO, your secret admirer"

MALEFICENT: ugh...

DIABLO: So it's another threat?

MALEFICENT: ...yes. I oughta find out who this son of a bitch is

DIABLO: rip

Diablo gets ready to leave but he turns around with a curious face.

DIABLO: Boss, if I may ask--

MALEFICENT: gOODBYE J-LO

Diablo runs away into the hall meeting up with Ursula.

URSULA: So what was in the letter this time?

DIABLO: she didnt say

URSULA: ok diablo, i need you to find out whats her secret

DIABLO: I thought you were the one sending her the letters, I mean you want control of this hospital

URSULA: you dumb gay, if im the one sending the letters why would i ask you to find out what her secret is

DIABLO: who do you think it is?

URSULA: it's definetly someone from this hospital, alright... whoever it is, i have to send them flowers.

DIABLO: so, the plan is still the same.

URSULA: ofc... and try to find out what the secret is. i just cant wait to see her face when she gets exposed for whatever she did

DIABLO: and I'm getting a raise, right?

URSULA: sure, whatever, idc

DIABLO: see you tomorrow, hoe

URSULA: yeah k

The next day...

Rose Red and Aladdin are treating new patients: cousins Elena D'Avalor and Jasmine D'Avalor.

ROSE RED: Hmm, Aladdin, let's cure them

ALADDIN: um k

ALADDIN: So what happened?

JASMINE: so this bitch's fucking tigers snapped and attacked us

ELENA: well ofc, you didnt fucking feed them

JASMINE: THEYRE NOT MY FUCKING TIGERS

ALADDIN: hey, let's all calm do-- (looks at Jasmine) Wait... have you ever been to Agrabah?

JASMINE: Oh yeah, I used to live there when I was a kid, but I moved in with my cousin ever since my father was sent to an insane asylum for being dumb as fuck

ALADDIN: wait... JASMINE!

JASMINE: ALADDIN!

ROSE RED: ...is this fucking happening

ELENA: idk

ALADDIN: Me and Jasmine are childhood friends

ROSE RED: LOL HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA HOW FUN

ROSE RED (thinking): this really just couldnt get worse omg

Suddenly Rose sees through the window new doctor assistants: Ella, Elsa and Merida.

ROSE RED: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Outside of the room...

ESMERALDA: omg you guys actually got the job! and merida, may i just say, i'm a huge fan!

MERIDA: OMG THANKS BOO

As Merida signs an autograph for Esmeralda, Ella and Elsa hug.

ELLA: See? I told you we'd do it.

ELSA: I love you boo

ELLA: Awhh, you gonna make me cry

In Maleficent's office...

Maleficent is drinking her custom latte prepared by Diablo, named "Satan's Semen" as Ursula walks in.

URSULA: WHAT THE FUCK MALEFICENT WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING

MALEFICENT: lol what?

URSULA: why the fuck did YOU HIRE THOSE MESSES?

MALEFICENT: Why do you care, Ursula? It's not like it's your deal, right?

URSULA: they are highly incompetent for the job, what the fuck are you smoking

MALEFICENT: i'm sorry, i think i know how to rule a hospital

URSULA: ...

MALEFICENT: Right?

Maleficent stands up.

MALEFICENT: I thought we already had this discussion but apparently I have to spell it out for you, AGAIN. Ursula, you are not on my fucking level so you can stop the best friend act, cause I know what you're planning, and sis, I'm just warning you, it's not gonna end well for you, or whoever's helping you. Now leave my office before I fire you. Oh, also, a skirt and sneakers is not a good combo. Please run to a fashion boutique cause my eyes hurt after seeing that.

An angry Ursula leaves the office.

Later, at night...

''Sheila is in her patient room as she starts listening to "Be My Baby" coming from another room. She leaves her patient room and looks for where the music's coming from. She gets to the morgue where the song is coming from and lowkey starts jamming, but she sees no one. Suddenly, the lights turn off.''

SHEILA DUMBO: omg wtf??

The lights turn on again and she sees a colorful skeleton "Coco Aine" with a machete.

COCO AINE: Hello, Sheila.

''Sheila screams and leaves the morgue. She runs away from the killer that follows her to the corridor, where suddenly Elena walks in.''

ELENA: CAN YOU FUCKS STOP IT WITH THE WAR SONG

''The killer throws the machete to Sheila but she jumps out of the way, landing on Elena. Sheila screams and the killer runs away.''

TO BE CONTINUED...